This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
