You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
