why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
You left your phone here
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