Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
