you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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