I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Randomize