I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
