Whatcha textin bout Willis?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
