Im at strip club and am horny
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
