when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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