I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
