i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
