I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
