When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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