Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
