Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
