The maid of honor just puked.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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