Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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