I can text with my tongue
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
