my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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