he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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