There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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