Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
