I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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