my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
