this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
