Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
