she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
