I am spending my child support on dildos
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
