I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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