I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
