I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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