My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
