she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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