the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
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