Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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