Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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