If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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