these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Alive.
So much puke
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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