Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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