If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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