im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
