i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
