I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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