Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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