I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
