so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
