3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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