wrigley field is MILF paradise
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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