Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
