I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize