im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
