Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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