Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
