being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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