Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
