I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
