so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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