There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
