It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
