she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Did I show you my penis last night?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
