made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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