I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize