Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize