If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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