Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize