I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
