Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
