I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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